"Why Not Petula?"

Why Not Petula?
(Ann-Margret-type parody number written by Billy Barnes
Specialty song & dance number performed with four male dancers.)

Pert, perky, petite and prim.
The description is pretty grim.
But wait until you hear the topper:
Quote. "She's British and very proper." Unquote.
Bad, boring, bizarre and bum.
I ain't all that proper, chum.
Of course, if I never show it, there's no way for you to know it.

It's not enough for singers nowadays to simply sing
They've got to jazz the act up and start doing everything.
If Helen Reddy's had to learn that boring buck and wing,
Why not Petula?
An act without production is a cinch to lay an egg.
If there's no flash and no pizazz an agent has to beg.
If Miss Aretha Franklin starts in showin' off her leg,
why not Petula?

I'm afraid the simple days of nightclub acts are gone.
Check the furs, the jewels, the gold on Elton John.
David Bowie's flaming hair and Charo's cute behind.
And don't forget Tom Jones' bump 'n grind.
Bump 'n grind, bump 'n grind, bump and blow your mind!

If Bette Midler's dialogue is best described as rude.
And Shirley Bassey's costumes are a little left of lewd.
If Cher Bono Allman makes her entrance in the nude
Why not Petula?
I mean, why not me????
Dear, dainty, demure a dream
That would even make a Julie Andrews scream.

I'm bidding that stuff aloha
Hey, hand me my feather boa. Thanks.
Hip, heavy, horrid, and hot
Honey, gonna show the natives what I've got.
Here's something to feast your eyes on.
I'm going to bring my guys on.
Ann-Margaret better watch your step.

(Four male dancers sing-Here Comes Petula)

Now an act must feature sex as well as being good.
After all we're bucking "Hallelujah Hollywood."
All those T & feather shows are really out-of-sight.
All those topless ladies moving left to right.
Left to right, left to right, left to dynamite!
All those goody-goody shows today are such a yawn.
Leave the apple pie to Tony Orlando and his Dawn.
Save the girlie, girlie for Olivia Newton-John

Why not Petula?

(Pet has wandered Downtown,
Knows her way around.
Sleeping in the Subway, swinging underground.
Check the fancy footwork and listen to her sound.
Why not Petula?)

Settle back my darlings and prepare to have a ball.
I hope the brand new image doesn't pin you to the wall.
Marlene showed it years ago and Mae West said it all
"Why not?" Petula
I mean why, why not me?

It's a change of pace.

©Photos by D. Bush